Rex Speaks Out On Human Failings

Let me start out by saying that I really like humans. Some of my best friends are humans. I'm always real happy when Mom gets home, and I greet her at the door with my tail wagging like the neighborhood gossip's tongue at a cocktail party. I've spent countless hours teaching Dad how to play "Whistlework" and to use the computer. These are things I do because I truly enjoy helping people. There are a couple of things about humans, however, about which I feel obliged as a leader among dogs, to bring out into the open.

First and most obvious are the noses. Warm and dry. I try to snuggle with humans and accidentally brush against their noses. Yuck! Perhaps Chinese mustard and ice cubes would help their really gross noses. And their bathroom habits. OMG! Can you believe they actually close the door and flush when they are done? Nobody gets to sniff or anything. Were I not such a people dog, this would be a real dealbreaker. For goodness sake, people, please go outside! If just one person benefits from this thoughtful advice, I would be happy.

As I said at the outset, I like humans. Please don't think of me as someone with no need for people. Where I come from, we have a word to describe those with no need for people. . . cats. Got to run now. . . Mom's home!